Este es todo.

Dearest sheep fanatics,

You may have realized from my recent lack of timely sheep updates (also known as sheeply updates), that I am no longer in Wales-homeland-of-all-the-noblest-of-sheep. While the sheep are already sorely missed, it was time for me to return to the good old U.S. of A. I hope that you were at least mildly amused by my ramblings abroad, because if you weren't I really need to get some new friends who have better hobbies than reading boring nonsense on the internet.
Oh wait.
I do that.
Regardless, this is possibly the last post you will see here. Don't worry, soon I'll get tired of reading boring nonsense on the internet and decide to write some more of it (again, appropriately themed... I'm considering Sketchy-incidents-involving-my-charming-neighbors-and-the-police Of The Week or possibly That-time-I-accidentally-almost-applied-to-be-a-waitress-at-a-strip-club Of The Week. Don't worry, I'll come up with a more memorable title and let you know). But until then, I bid you all au revoir and bon sheep. Now get off the internet and call me. We have things to ungracefully fall off of and then pretend that we meant to.

Au revoir, mon sheepies. We will meet again soon.

Yeah.

Sheep of da week? Oh baby, sheep of da week.

Meet Kate, the SOTW.

Darling readers,


GUESS WHO IS IN WALES???? That's right. Kate. And what happens when you visit me? YOU BECOME THE FREAKING SOTW. It's a glorious deal. Here is Kate (look right). She is making a sheep face (like all good SOTWs).




Would you like to know what else happens when you come visit me? Well that is really too baaad. You'll just have to come and find out. HA.

Epicness.

I'll tell you one thing though. There is lots of epicness. Mostly it is caused by looking at sheep.

Sheep.

Oh the sheepies, how they frolic.

Sheep! Of the week! (Pretend to be surprised.)

The healthcare SOTW.

American healthcare is the sheep this week. I may or may not have had to go to a Welsh doctor, and it may or may not have consisted of me calling the office and getting an appointment an hour and a half later, then showing up, checking in, seeing a doctor, being diagnosed, getting prescribed medicine, taking the prescription to the pharmacy downstairs, getting it filled, and leaving IN SEVEN MINUTES.
FOR FREE. Considering a trip to the bank here takes 45 minutes, this might be the most efficient aspect of Wales I have witnessed so far. So yes. American healthcare is the SOTW.

Floral pants

Floral pants you say? We're not in Oregon! There are no hipsters in Wales! Why are you talking about floral pants?? Well, my little furry little sheepies, let me tell you. Apparently this week was a particularly fine one for said pants. Since you couldn't be here for the festivities, however, I have used my superb photoshopping prowess to show you my favorite outfit from the other night. (Also, call them trousers - pants means something else entirely.)

Baa baa black sheep.

You will all be delighted to know that after a Spanish metro, and Barcelona bus, a delayed flight, an irrational customs officer, a sprint through the airport, an airline sky shuttle, a missed train, a different train, a lost wander, a found hostel, a brief encounter with a world-class beat-boxer, two and a half hours of sleep, a taxi, a different train, and another taxi, I am officially back in the land of the sheep. They are such an eloquent beast.

The Sheeps of Spain stay Mainly on the Las Ramblas (lurking in front of overpriced gelato stands).

GOOD MORNING LOVERS I AM A DAY LATE WITH THE SHEEP. Forgive me. There are no sheep in Barcelona so far as I can tell. So, to console myself, I ran. There were as many running Spaniards as Welsh sheep. Speaking of bonkers, everyone not running yesterday was climbing. They are not sheep either, but you can get over it because they cool like ice cubes.

Germans and their lack of sheep.

So far as I can tell, there are no sheep in Munich. But there are a lot of really well groomed dogs. Believe the picture, not the lie: dachshunds will never decline!

Dancing like a drunken leprechaun.

I AM IN IRELAND. I love it a lot and think I may never leave. Last night I was given permission by a bald Irish guitarist to "dance like a drunken leprechaun." Fear not, dance I did. The SOTW this week is Johnny Cash because (who knew) he is four thousand times catchier when sung with an Irish accent. But then again, what isn't? 

The other SOTW is Ryanair. I have discovered why their flights are so mysteriously cheap... they have gambling on the planes. Please picture me sitting on a garishly yellow and blue plane, scratching off a million tickets and puffing on smokeless cigarettes. As usual, this may or may not have happened. I'll let you use your imagination.

Duck and Cover

There are two SOTWs this week. The first SOTW is the Starlings of Aber. Please examine this photo:
Do you see the angry looking swarm of doom hovering above Hogwarts? That, my friends, is the
Starling herd. They swoop. Like Dementors. Don't believe me? Watch them swoop. You might think they are less terrifying than Dementors, but just wait until you're caught under a swooping storm of a thousand Starlings and you aren't wearing a hat. Then you will know the terror.




In other news, I was recently informed that from reading my blog, nobody has any idea what I've been up to in Wales. This is shocking. Really. I'm shocked. Not that nobody can comprehend my blog (I mean really, it's utter nonsense that I can't even comprehend most of the time), but that people actually read it. It's your fault you ridiculous people for giving me a blog! Oh wait, I gave myself a blog. Regardless, you read it. Therefore you, dear readers, are the other SOTW. Feel special. 

Lamb of da Week (LODW)

Darling readers;
I know you have been anxiously awaiting the sheep of this week. Here in Wales, the baby sheeps are starting to sprout up faster than you can shake a stick at. That makes no sense, even if you're Welsh. I will translate; there are more baby sheeps than calories in a true British breakfast (i.e. a lot). It is disgustingly cute. For instance, you might be having a nonplussed sort of day (like this):

Fig. 1: A nonplussed sort of day due to excessive picture-taking.

But then you see a noble lamb out in the distance (like this):

Fig. 2: The majestic beast in its natural habitat. By that I am referring to the creature on the left.
The one on the right is also having a nonplussed sort of day due to excessive picture taking.
But really, if it is that bothered it should not stand next to something so adorable.

And then you will subsequently look like this:

Fig. 3: You too can be oh-so-excited after viewing cute baby animals.

Speaking of baby animals, there are none of these in Wales. But there should be, because they are cute.

Sheep of the Weak

This is not the sheep of the weak. This is the sheep of the noble-and-strong and the why-on-earth-would-there-be-a-sheep-on-top-of-the-god-forsaken-mountain-when-there-is-perfectly-good-grass-all-over-Wales. That makes this the sheep of the fine-line-between-bravery-and-stupidity.

Sheep of the not-so-weak.

On another note, these are the things I learned in both English and Welsh this week by reading the posters in our kitchen:
"Don't use cutlery in the toaster." ("Peidiwch â defnyddio cyllyll a ffyrc yn y tostiwr.")
"Don't use the mini-oven in the bathroom."("Peidiwch â defnyddio'r ffwrn bach yn yr ystafell ymolchi.")
I have no idea how to pronounce any of those words. But that's okay.

Six things I may or may not have learned this week:

1. St. David's Day is a big deal. Especially for the Cawl and the daffodils.
2. Sometimes on St. David's day if you walk down the hall past the boys showers you might hear the freshers singing Welsh hymns. In harmony.
3. Leeks are the national fruit of Wales.
4. By fruit I clearly mean vegetable.
5. The smurfs come out on Wednesdays.
6. If you are running by a church and take advantage of the fact that there is not a homeless person camped in front of it for once and try to sneak in to see what it looks like, you will probably walk in on a wedding. It's okay, though, because an old lady will mutter at you in Welsh and then have you sit closer so you can see better, even though you are dressed very inappropriately for a wedding and probably smell bad (because you were running, remember?).

I realize none of these are an SOTW. You got three last week. Don't get greedy.

Alonzo

This week there are three SOTWs. THREE! I know. It's thrilling.

SOTW numero uno is Alonzo (see above). He's a marvelous fellow who likes fog, Wales, whales, and Colin Firth. Speaking of Colin Firth, he is SOTW numero dos. There is a frightful website entirely dedicated to the man. It's kind of creepy, though, so I wouldn't recommend spending too much time there. I didn't actually make it past the top quote, but that was scarring enough. Maybe you'll have better luck. The third SOTW is the Pantycelyn fire alarm. It is overenthusiastic. I tried the being nice to it - no indoor bonfires, burning toast, sticking hairpins into electrical sockets, playing with matches - but it hasn't worked, so this week I am going to try a new approach. It may or may not involve Roman candles, potassium nitrate, and a hefty supply of lighter fluid.* 

*For the record (since I'm posting this on the internet and that tends to get people in trouble), I'm not actually going to light Wales on fire. It's called sarcasm, people. Get over it.

Hogwarts, Hogwarts, Hoggy-Warty Hogwarts

Good morning, sunshine.

I know that you have all been waiting anxiously for the day I would put up a picture that I actually took and isn't of a creepy hallway. Well, chums, today is the day. Try to contain your excitement. Really. It's embarrassing.

Have I mentioned to you that I go to school at Hogwarts? I do. There is a castle. Technically this building might have started as a hotel, not a castle, but let's conveniently forget about that for the moment. I go to school in a castle by the sea. Not a lot of classes are in the castle because it is a small castle, but one of mine is so you can all be jealous. Here is what I've learned about castles that J. K. Rowling either forgot to tell me or I forgot to pay attention to:

ONE. Castles are drafty. It might be the ghosts. It might also be that nobody thought to insulate them. Or it might be that somebody thought to insulate them, realized it was futile (I mean really), and gave up. Regardless, they are colder than a homeless seagull in Irkutsk.

TWO. Castles are crooked. Literally. I mean the ghosts might steal your money, or a rogue sheep might come in and eat it, but quite literally castles are crooked. It's nearly impossible to take a picture of them because if you line up part of the building vertically, it is guaranteed that another part will be uneven.

THREE. Because castles are drafty and crooked, they're a bit like ships. This one is next to the sea, too, so it smells mildly fishy. Next time you're feeling bored and craving adventure, go walk up and down the spiral staircases and say pirate-y things like "avast!" and "yar!" and "who drank the kraken??" I guarantee you will feel seasick in no more than twelve minutes. It's fun. I promise.

For the record yes, there are Mini Coopers at Hogwarts.

The Warden

Today's delightful SOTW is the Warden (Exhibit A). Yes, there is in fact an illusive Warden living on the first floor. Efforts to photograph the Warden in its natural habitat have recently been unsuccessful, so a picture of its lair (Exhibit B) will have to suffice. Wardens are a tricky species and this one seems to sense lurking camera lenses and atrociously faked Welsh accents, scampering off whenever it smells peanut butter or hears the words "Ron Paul" (both of which immediately indicate American presence). Rumor has it that this particular Warden moved in when the building was a mental institution (which would explain the mysteriously over-complicated corridors and unnecessary doors leading to nowhere), and never moved out.

Exhibit A: Warden Lair.

Exhibit B: Wardens can be found in mental institutions, jails, the Royal Forest,
leading Masonic meetings, and lurking around Welsh dormitories. 

Three things you didn't know about rugby.

Hello you beautiful charmers. Today the SOTW is Leigh Halfpenny. Why, you ask? WELL LET ME TELL YOU. He just scored against Ireland in the last 30 seconds of the Wales-Ireland match in the Six Nations Rugby Tourny. Which means Wales won. Thanks to him.

If you're as hopelessly ignorant about rugby as I am, let me tell you what I learned about the brilliant sport this afternoon: if you cheat you get chucked into the Sin Bin, if you win you are national hero, and if you lose you cry. Sometimes you cry if you win too. Also the announcers are both witty and insulting (why insults in an accent are somehow more witty escapes me), and do things like charmingly describe the pitch (completely unbiased, of course):

 "There is no snow in Dublin on account of Ireland being a winter-less, summer-less rock in the Atlantic where the people reside in a permanent state of anything-could-happen-at-any-minute readiness in fear of something which is commonly known as 'the weather'." 

That is about all I know. 

SOTW cyclone

Today, the SOTW is not from Wales. You're just going to have to deal with it because it is a cyclone of sheep, and that is too fantastic to pass up.

Sheeps who jump like badgers.

According to google, these sheep are 3 hours and 16 minutes away from me. HUZZAH! I don't think badgers actually jump, but I'm in Wales. Maybe Welsh badgers jump.

SOTW

Hello you charming old codgers! If you know me (which I hope you do because if you are reading this and don't know me then you are a bit strange in the head) then you know that I always forget my camera. I can hear you now, "OH NO!" "GREAT SCOTT!" And "HOLY NUTELLA-COVERED CRUMPETS!" But never fear my fine-feathered friends. I did not leave it in the good old U.S. of A., just in the hostel. Unfortunately this means that I could not take a picture of the Sheep Of The Week (hereafter referred to as SOTW), even though he was a delightful little creature spray-painted orange. Don't worry, that's normal here. But because you will have to wait for me to remember my camera I have found a way for you to entertain yourselves (appropriately themed of course). Until next time, enjoy the SOTW.

The first official sheep of the week.

This is it! The moment you have all been waiting for! A SHEEP! I'm not sure if it is Welsh, but that is okay because it is cute enough to make up for that. 

Jet-lag? You joke...

I am in Wales. There are sheep. This is not a sheep. Prepare yourselves for the sheep. They are coming...